Reverse Culture Shock

I had a hunch that coming back to NY would be different than when I left. Not that anything had physically changed, but I certainly had. It wasn't the same city that I remembered or that I had fantasized about coming back to & it made me want to turn around & go back to Europe. My mom is in Italy, my home in Warwick, NY where I grew up is rented out, & many of my close friends remain upstate while I'm in Queens. Along with the empty feeling of not having friends in Queens, I also feel an emptiness of not having Sam around after our falling out. So many questions run through my head of whether or not being together is the right thing. It is so difficult to determine where we stand being 5 hours apart from each other. But for right now, the best thing for me is to stay busy, travel to stay with my friends in Warwick, & I joined the gym at Lucille Roberts. While in Europe, it felt like I lived there, but when I returned back to NY, I realized it was just one long vacation. I landed at JFK exhausted & jet-lagged, & all of the bullshit hit me at once: Relationship problems, Pace University admin already screwing up everything... I really don't want to deal with it right now. People keep telling me to take things one step at a time, but I can't stop myself from thinking ahead. What the heck am I going to do 1 year from now when I graduate college? Should I go right into getting an MBA or start working? Should I live with my mom in Europe or will I still be with Sam & want to stay here with him? Everything is up in the air & completely confusing & the only thing I can say right now is that I am finally 21. So who cares about any of this stuff right now? I can't think about it all because there are no answers right now so why overthink it or think about it all? Going out with my friends seems to be the best solution to my problems & only time will tell where everything & everyone in my life stands.

Until next time... ciao 💗

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